Pink hearts. Red roses. Foil-wrapped chocolates. Mushy cards. No question about it—Valentine’s Day is out there. Looming. Just try getting out of the grocery or even the gas station without being assaulted by a display of Valentine cards, candy, stuffed animals, refrigerator magnets and Top Love Songs from the Eighties.
If you pay any attention whatsoever to advertising, the gift you choose for your valentine will demonstrate the extent of your love. A dozen crimson roses delivered by an FTD truck means love is in the air. A new set of Pings or a marquis cut diamond ring in an 18K gold, six-prong setting? Love is here to stay.
Chocolate is always a good choice, but guys, keep in mind chocolate operates on a stringent caste system. It’s rather complicated, so pay attention. At the top of the chocolate food chain is anything labeled Belgian or Swiss, but only if you bring it back through U.S. Customs yourself. Any schmuck can buy Swiss chocolate—I’ve even seen it at the drug store. And just so you know, drug store Swiss chocolate falls just above the Hershey bar.
Now, if you return from Europe with nothing but a bar of chocolate and a stamp in your passport, you lose. How could you go to Paris and not return with a silk scarf? Perfume? How could even think about returning from Italy with a candy bar and not one single leather bag or 18K gold necklace? I told Valentine gift-giving is complicated.
Rung Two on the Chocolate ladder is inhabited by Godiva, Esther Price, Fanny Farmer and Sees. You can’t go wrong with these, unless you dive in, take a bite and leave a spitback—before she opens up the box. Rung Three belongs to Russell Stover and maybe Whitman Samplers as long as there are no chocolate-covered jelly candies. Only a deranged chocolatier would waste good chocolate on a gumdrop.
Hanging out on the bottom rung are Hershey bars. They might be fine in case of a chocolate emergency, but on Valentine’s Day? Get real. Go for the good stuff. Either that or you’ll be forced to consider the Pings and the rings. Or risk sending a message that your love is shallow. (This is called playing the guilt card. Be warned. It’s like stepping into quicksand. There is no escape. Trust me. Go for the Sees.)
Feel like avoiding Judgment Day at the candy counter? Think about a zoo gift. For a mere $25, you can present your loved one with an animal. Not a cute little puppy that if not adopted would be headed for…well, for the farm, if you get my drift.
You can get a personalized certificate and a photo of the animal of your choice to give to your valentine. Ever call the man in your life a teddy bear? For $25, you can get Kodiak—or at least an 8 x 10 of Yogi, Boo-Boo or Smokey. The zoo offers plenty of options and why wouldn’t they? Their job is to house a wide variety of animals. Special loved ones can get their very own dolphin, snow leopard, lion, tiger or polar bear. Oh my.
Maybe the traditional holds no appeal. Not a problem. There’s also the black widow spider, otter, and poison dart frog. Black widow spider? That could send an interesting message. I’d always heard the female black widow spider kills her mate, thus the name “black widow.” But apparently the rumor isn’t 100% true—the male spider actually has about a 50-50 chance of getting out alive. It’s a lot like the divorce rate.
With 436 species and 5,900 specimens available for adoption, sweethearts can get creative. How about a mole-rat? Mole-rats are more popular than you might think. Something to do with Disney’s TV character, Kim Possible. The skin of a naked mole-rat is so loose that it can wriggle halfway around inside it. Like a Sharpei. Or a successful gastric bypass patient.
Naked mole-rats and black widow spiders may be okay for some people. As for me? Bring on the flowers. And the chocolate. Just make sure it’s the good kind.
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